Politics

PUTIN VS AMERICA: Is not to worry!

The missus and I were watching Rocky IV this evening. This is the one with the Soviet-bred killing machine Ivan Drago. The scene when he enters the arena to fight Apollo Creed is a perfect snapshot (okay, moving picture) of society today. James Brown is belting out a song amid gyrating showgirls and colorful lights. The scene is preceded by an interview with Soviet Man’s wife:

Ludmilla: Ivan is naturally trained.

Interviewer: Then how do you account for his freakish strength?

Ludmilla: Like your Popeye, he ate his spinach every day.

Hahaha! No, seriously. Actually, he wakes up every day amid a Siberian winter in a hut north of the Arctic Circle and kills a moose with his bare hands and hunches over a coal-stoked fire to cook it for breakfast. If he is still hungry – and he always is – he clubs a baby seal for a snack, then peels off the fur to wear on his head just to infuriate Bridgette Bardot and the running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie.

Now substitute Megan Thee Stallion for James Brown and a dozen tramps like Miley Cyrus with her tongue lolling out of her mouth and twerking her white ass surrounded by another dozen drag queens and gelding soy-boys and you have a pretty good idea of what Putin and the Chinese People’s Leader are staring at on their television big-screens. Instead of Bardot, stick in the international scold and noted theologian Greta Thunberg to remind us we only have five years to survive until the oceans boil away and we have to import water from China to fill our hot tubs.

Now imagine Putin's reaction:

“This what we face in war? Is joke, da? So, no nukey-nook is need. Is only need take away cell-phone and Tikky-Tock, and use wrong pronouns and they surrender. We sell soy lattes they choke on!” – April 2, 2023

PUTIN ON THE BLITZ

What do Putin and the Taliban have in common? You don’t have to think hard about this. They both made it pretty clear they were coming to break the furniture, never mind the window dressing. Treaties be damned.  The only person who always seems to be taken off guard is our own president.

Fortunately for the Ukrainian people, their own president is made of sterner stuff. According to a Twitter post from the Ukraine embassy in Britain, he rejected an American offer of evacuation:

“The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.”

If only Trump were president. He would have unequivocally condemned this action, right?

Wrong.

Here’s what Trump said (reader alert: I’m going to doctor this blather to make it more readable. You want the whole unvarnished text, look it up yourself): “This is genius. Putin declares a big portion of the Ukraine as independent. I said, 'How smart is that?' and You know he's gonna go in and be a peacekeeper. We could use that on our southern border. That's the strongest peacekeeping force I've ever seen. There were more army tanks than I've ever seen. They're gonna keep peace all right."

Want more? Trump called into FOX network’s Laura Ingraham’s show to weigh in. He chastised her when he mistakenly thought she said the US ha invaded Ukraine.

I’m mindful that a lot of what Trump reportedly said during his term turned out to be false or exaggerated, so I took the time to verify the quotes. The above comments were transcribed from actual appearances on Clay Travis and Buck Sexton who took over the EIB microphone after Rush Limbaugh passed away. If I hadn’t heard them myself, I would have been skeptical.

Don’t take my word for it. Listen for yourself. Be prepared to be disappointed. – February 27, 2022

https://youtu.be/ebHVsWQThM

REAGAN VS TRUMP: WHO WINS?

The much-ballyhooed Hundred Days of President Biden having just passed, this is as good a time as any to reflect on how the next four years might go. Or however long his health holds out. Be forewarned this may not please everyone. Relax. This is not intended to “surprise friends and foes.” I’m not turning into Mitt Romney.

However Biden got the keys to the Oval Office, Trump has no one to blame but himself. Democrats are gloating that Trump was the best motivator for voting they ever had. Perhaps. The first time he ran, he had the advantage of running against arguably the most despised woman of the day. Nurse Wretched turned off all but her most loyal sycophants, and repelled anyone else who might have voted for another candidate to oppose Trump. Against all expectation, he squeaked through.

In 1980, another Republican eked out a victory over a hapless Jimmy Carter. Many voters were ambivalent about Reagan. Was he, as Democrats painted him, unstable and eager to launch nukes against the Communists? He disarmed his most vocal critics during the debates with an avuncular manner. But he was not merely a cue-card-reader with an impeccable sense of timing. Underneath his easy-going demeanor, he knew exactly who the enemies were, and how to go over the talking heads of the alphabet-soup media directly to the ears and heart of Americans.

Four year later, he won in the nation’s biggest landslide of history – losing only Minnesota, his opponent’s home state, and D.C., which may as well be a land-locked nation in the middle of Turdistan.

This clearly demonstrates how one should go about building on success to win over voters who were uneasy at first. Reagan was opposed by a House and a Senate controlled by the Democrats. How did he pull it off?

Let me count the ways:

1. A sense of humor. In the right hands, this is the most potent weapon of all. It has to performed without rancor or drawing blood. Just poke a few holes through the veneer. Thin-skinned people holler the loudest. And that was precisely Trump’s most fatal weakness. He could dish it out, but he couldn’t take it.

2. Letting others take credit. No leader, least of all a president, should let pride get in the way of a job well done. Make no mistake, there were plenty of achievements. He had a lot of help. So did Reagan, and he did it without a Republican majority for most of his two terms. Let that sink in.

3. Don’t take things so personal. Trump was constitutionally incapable of letting slights go unanswered in the most spiteful manner he could muster. Sometimes you just gotta let things go. The kid on the playground who invariably invites the most attention is the one who LETS the others get under his skin. “Well, that’s how Trump is – he gives as good as he gets.” Wonderful strategy. You see how well that paid off.

Fair or not, if it isn’t close, your opponents can’t cheat. – May 12, 2021

IT'S AN AMAZON JUNGLE OUT THERE

You have to run pretty fast to keep up with the hypocrisy lately, particularly since the November elections.

Jeff Bezos, owner of the Amazon behemoth, also owns the Washington Post. Has since 2013. He flipped over a sofa cushion to look for a button that popped off his bespoke suit and found enough money to buy a Kit-Kat bar from the bodega next door, and had enough change left over to buy the newspaper. I mean, the whole company.

Before the recent elections, many people were wary of allowing universal mail-in voting because of the potential for fraud. The Washington Post sniffed that such opposition was “bogus fear mongering.” The newspaper that Jeff Bezos owns. Still with me?

Lately, Amazon employees in Alabama have been militating for unionization. The National Labor Relations Board ruled that 6,000 workers in a Bessemer warehouse would cast ballots over a seven-week period. Sound a lot like early voting?

Not so fast, Amazon shot back. Ballot security can only be guaranteed with in-person voting. Got that?

Don’t get me wrong. Unions have their rightful place in the nation, as long as they make the workplace a safer place, and they ensure the administration follows the law. Does anyone seriously believe that if unions were to disappear altogether, administrators would suddenly see the light and treat all employees with respect?

Well, as Mom used to say, “Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.” When Bezos is done talking through both sides of his mouth, he’s gonna need a lot of sauce to go with that fowl, feathers and all. - January 28, 2021

Nuns vs Nones

Biden has tapped Xavier Becerra, presently attorney general of the People’s Republic of California, to head the Department Health and Human Services. If you know nothing else about him, here’s something you SHOULD know: He sued the Little Sisters of the Poor, a group of nuns that cares for the elderly poor.

Why would anyone sue nuns, you ask? Becerra wanted to force them to provide RU 486, also known as abortion pills. Because as everyone knows, an order of nuns desperately needs access to abortifacients.

So, Biden wants someone who actually sued nuns. Here's your talking point for the next four years. As in, "What do you think of a president who appoints the guy who sues nuns?" Or, "Biden has some good ideas, I guess, but did you know he appointed someone who sues nuns?" Or, "Whoa! I didn't think Biden would say anything like that. But then he DID appoint a guy who sues nuns."

Try dropping that line in anywhere in a conversation with a Biden supporter. Let the fun begin! - December 17, 2020

Flashback to 1896

Trump’s reelection campaign is stirring to life. A 3:41 video appeared in my FB page (it made past the censors) which features lots of stirring scenery and references to American heroes. Runs a little long for TV spots, though. I suppose he decided to try a lighter touch to appeal to voters for a change instead of shouting with all-caps on Twitter.

Nobody ever solicits my opinion for ads. I can’t imagine why. My rates are low, and I don’t know how to use Twitter so I won’t be blabbing about my clients’ habits or offhand remarks.

Remember when Eagle Scouts were BOOED by the attendees at the 2000 Democratic National Convention? Had I been in charge of advertising, I would have beat them on the head with this clip over and over until the only people left voting for Democrats would be the immediate family of the candidates, and they'd never admit it on camera. This year, I'd run clips of the anarchists tearing down statues of Abraham Lincoln and abolitionists, with voice-overs of the wacky mayors, governors and representatives who made all this possible. The Reagan landslide would seem merciful compared to the results.

I seriously doubt the DNC will be soliciting my opinions, either. But if they do, I’ll congratulate them on borrowing a page from the 1896 McKinley Front Porch strategy. Back then, the GOP candidate, who shared Trump’s affinity for tariffs, sat out the campaign, greeting well-wishers to his home in Canton, Ohio. The best thing the Democrats can do is run a Basement Campaign, except keep Biden out of reach of anyone with a microphone or camera. Or the key to the basement.

You can reach me here on my account. If you’re driving around my neighborhood, look for the house with the Gadsden flag, or the Gonzales “Come and Take It” flag, or the Texas state flag, or the . . . well, there’ll be a flag. But I guarantee it won’t be rainbow-colored. - July 6, 2020

Mystery Meet

State representative Harold Dutton will face Houston Councilman Jerry Davis in a runoff for district 142. The long-time incumbent is upset that a mystery challenger, Natasha Ruiz, forced the matchup. Dutton, who has never had to face a runoff in 36 years, is so upset that he hired a private eye to find out if this person even exists.

It must be embarrassing to learn that a non-entity can come out of nowhere and take 20 percent of the voters he presumes were his.

Rice professor Mark Jones believes that name recognition helped propel a less well-known candidate for the Railroad Commission, thus Jim Wright defeated Ryan Sitton in the Republican primary. Never mind that the Wright the professor has in mind was a Democrat. Also, according to the Chronicle, Wright beat Sitton, “in almost all the counties that make up industry and conservative strongholds.”  On the other hand, name recognition didn’t help yet another Bush running for U.S. representative.

Suck up, buttercup. Maybe your district just doesn’t like you as much as you thought.- March 9, 2020

Tilting at Windmill Arms

I’m enjoying the angst in the Democratic Party over the old windmill-armed socialist and his juggernaut rise to be their presidential nominee. Evidently, some of the saner elements – remember, we’re talking in relative terms – are convinced that not only would he lose, he would drag down the entire ticket nationwide. Well, outside of Vermont and the People’s Republic of California, anyway. And so once again we are treated to the spectacle of the Democrats working the system to make sure Biden wins and Bernie loses.

The amusing thing is this could have been so easily prevented. Didn’t that Sawdust Dummy win his seat as a Socialist? Sure, he’s tagged as an “I” in the voting column, which is the same as an asterisk in the record books. They should have told him to go “Dance with the ones that brung ya.” You’d think they would have figured this out last time they robbed him of the nomination.

The way around it, as they see, is to convince the other candidates to drop out and throw their support for Biden. He needs support, all right, but at the rate he’s going it may be in nursing home. Anyway, nobody makes a move until he or she gets that all-important blessing from Jimmy Carter.

At this writing, the only other candidate who isn’t buying any of this is Princess Squatting Dog. She and her people already know that they speak with forked tongue, and are trying to buy off candidates with more Fire Water.

Suddenly those smoke-filled backrooms don’t look so bad, do they? - March 4, 2020

And Then There Were 17

El Bato Beto O’Rourke pulled the plug on his candidacy yesterday. Up to a month ago, his most visible achievement was recording himself in a dentist’s chair. This milestone in Most Awkward Moment in Campaign History joined Liz “Princess Squatting Dog” Warren who surprised the world by demonstrating how to open a beer, and introduced her husband who hove into view – “Hey, my husband Bruce is in here!” – who just wanted that last piece of key lime pie in the refrigerator and beat a hasty retreat.

The gems come pre-polished: Julian Castro declaring that tranny-men have a right to abortion; Marianne Williamson channeling her inner M Scott Peck; Joe Biden . . . well, the less said, the better.

O’Rourke came within 3 percentage points of defeating Cruz, and mistook losing as a national mandate to lose to more candidates. As if this weren’t enough, he poisoned any other statewide chance as he declared “Hell, yes, we’re coming for your AR-15!” His bold stance promptly put him behind Andrew Yang who’s about to bust out of the one-percent pack with a two-percent support. Yang, you may recall, also gave us this gem: “I’m Asian, so I know a lot of doctors.” Tiger Moms swelled with pride, but the Woke wing of the Democrats don’t have a sense of humor. About anything. – November 2, 2019

TRAN-SCENDING COMMON SENSE

Here it is, folks. The dumbest thing you'll ever hear. And let’s face it, the bar has already been set pretty low. Sadly, we’re just getting started. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Julian Castro:

“I don’t believe only in reproductive freedom. I believe in reproductive justice . . . . [Just because] someone in the trans community, a trans female, is poor, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the right to exercise that right to choose.”

In an era of virtue signaling, this trumps them all. The impossibility of bearing children should not bar someone from having an abortion. How would that work out, exactly? This where more intersectionality would come into play. That is, a tranny would donate “his” seed (before the surgery) to a willing two-legged incubator, then arrange for the baby’s destruction.

All on our dime, of course, ‘coz that’s reproductive JUSTICE. 

Did viewers hoot him off the stage? Nope. Indeed, they loudly cheered. And they accuse conservatives of being anti-science. - June 27, 2019

AMAZON WARRIOR

If your TV is plugged in, you probably heard how America’s Socialist sweetheart, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez almost singlehandedly defeated Amazon’s plans to build a headquarters in New York, in spite of assurances of subsidies, tax breaks and corporate cosseting.

Nobody asked my opinion (nobody ever does) but I’m going to give it anyway. Better get a firm grip on the armchair first – I agree with the doe-eyed lunatic.

I’m a Darwinian capitalist. I welcome all comers and challengers, but if your business model isn’t succeeding, try another approach. Maybe nobody wants your product, or maybe you should be some other line of business. Just don’t expect to be treated better or worse than anyone else. You ARE too big to fail, and expecting taxpayers to help you out is wrong – wrong for taxpayers and wrong for businesses who don’t get preferential treatment.

Tax abatements hurt communities in other ways. Of course, a large company brings more tax dollars as well as employment, but local school districts become strained meeting the needs without the requisite funding. Oh, it’s on the way in ten years, same as Invista and Caterpillar in Victoria County. And maybe those businesses will still be humming along without or downturns in the econ– oh, wait. Caterpillar is closing plants.

If these same people were around when light bulbs were replacing candles, they’d provide subsidies to keep the wicks going. Of course, that may please Ocasio-Cortez pushing her Green Dream, but that’s another matter. – February 16, 2019 

CRAZY EYES

The election is over, well, mostly over. While most states manage to wrap things up by midnight, Florida still operates on the assumption that it ain’t over ‘til the election official in Broward County says it’s over. And it ain’t over until all the misplaced boxes that keep mysteriously turning up in the oddest places are counted. Let’s be generous and assume the boxes were misplaced. Do you want people like that in charge of something this important?

It doesn’t pass the smell test, unless your ballot boxes are also kitty litter boxes.

Meanwhile, the Democrats are undergoing a little civil war of their own over the selection of their Speaker of the House. The odds-on-favorite had been Nancy Pelosi, but that seems to be in dispute by all the talking heads. Many Democrats insist on a new face, one that doesn’t have, I don’t know, maybe such crazy eyes.

Or so we’re told. Two of the newly-elected Democrats from districts as far apart as the country allows, announced their pledge of loyalty to the former speaker. Fletcher, who unseated a Republican with ads swearing honest to goodness she was a moderate who would work with everyone. The other, Ocasio-Cortez, a pretty, wide-eyed ingenue from New York who speaks with a socialist accent, also wants the old lady to run the place. Incredibly, some believe this child should become the speaker. Whatever way they go, party members better make sure they have enough votes to keep Pelosi from using that gavel to hammer their heads.

Personally, I hope they choose Maxine Waters. She’s so wonderfully loopy and incoherent that she drips gems from her flaccid jaws every time she opens it. It’d be like watching a cross between that snappy Florence from The Jeffersons crossed with some crazy homeless wino that wanders around yelling at nobody in particular. - November 19, 2018

Say hello to the newest Supreme Court justice and get ready for a blizzard of snowflakes and a flood of unicorn tears. A special thanks goes to the man who made this all possible - Harry Reid. God bless you, sir. 


STEAKS AND SNOWFLAKES

In case you were too busy munching on your hamburger which is contributing to global warming, the Houston Chronicle ran a story on the front page with pictures of important people attending the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland. This is one of those conferences with the depth of a PowerPoint presentation aimed at the kind of people who should not be put in charge of a broom closet, let alone nations.

For example, there was Chinese “president” Xi Jinping who, without a hint of irony, cast his country as a champion of free trade and stability: "Whether you like it or not, the global economy is the big ocean that you cannot escape from."

The Chronicle graphic contained photos of this year’s six attendees. Sandwiched among world leaders was actress Cate Blanchett. You can always count on votaries of culture such as Vanity Fair to put the right spin on such major events. Vanity Fair breathlessly reported, “But then, a bright spot in the Swiss darkness. Cate Blanchett, ambassador for flawless skin and also the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, was there as well . . .” At least the magazine has its priorities in order – flawless skin coming first. Oh, yeah, and those poor schlubs from third-world outposts.

Not to worry. While you’re hanging by a strap on the bus wherever you need to go, those caring souls converging in the Alps traveling first-class in jets have your best interests at heart, as well as polar bears now paddling furiously on shrinking ice floes. No less than the UK’s Independent warns us that the burgers sizzling on the grill are “now unambiguous contributors to the climate change problem.”

What goes best with that medium-rare steak – a bottle of St. Arnold Elissa, or a cup of melted snowflakes? - January 28, 2018

Report from Rachel--

"So I was shopping in a home goods store and found this really cute sweater produced by slave labor--I mean indigenous people who are obviously so proud of their products that they can't bear the thought of leaving their work station even after lovingly hand-stitching for 14 hours a day, six days a week. I mean, they really put their backs in it.

Just like everyone else, only blacker.

"Anyway, I just had to have it to show my support for their labor of love, but I couldn't carry it because my hands were already full of pottery jars and a bag of coffee produced from those civet cats that poop the beans in Indonesia. What to do? Well, a clerk suggested twisting it and pinning it on my head and wearing it like a turban. What do you think?"

PUSHING AL FRANKEN'S BUTTON

Throughout my life, I was blessed with teachers of the first water who oversaw my academic progress. Along the way, I developed a facility for the written word. I stress “written” because I sound like a blithering fool when I’m turned loose without a script in front of me. I naturally give latitude to people who are put on the spot with a microphone shoved in their turkey wattle.

“A tornado just ripped your house, your family and life apart. What is going through your mind right now?”

“Glghvbnbhmmph.”

Elected officeholders tend to be more gifted with extemporaneous abilities. Sure, we don’t expect much of what they say to be truthful, but if we don’t admire the substance of their utterances, at least we acknowledge their skills in English.

Lately, newly-appointed Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been pilloried by the media for lying to Senator Al Franken in response to a question about being in contact with anyone in the employ of Putin. When put on the spot, Sessions pulled out a big red “reset” button.

Just kidding. 

What Sessions should have done in response to a question posed by Franken is to knit his eyebrows in puzzlement and ask, “With all due respect, Senator, and one who made a living as a scriptwriter and performer on Saturday Night Live, what the hell are you talking about?”

Here is the question posed by the esteemed solon:

“CNN has just published a story and I’m telling you this about a story that has just been published, I’m not expecting you to know whether it’s true or not, but CNN just published a story, alleging that the intelligence community provided documents to the president-elect last week that included information that quote ‘Russian operatives claimed to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump.’ These documents also allegedly say quote ‘there was a continuing exchange of information during the campaign between Trump surrogates and intermediaries for the Russian government.’ Again, I’m telling you this is just coming out so, you know . . . but, if it’s true it’s obviously extremely serious. And if there is any evidence that anyone affiliated with the Trump campaign communicated with the Russians in the course of this campaign, what will you do?”

Confused? Don’t feel left out. Fortunately, as someone with experience in copy-editing for a newspaper and tutoring at the collegiate level, I have some skills in interpreting this. What the senator really wants to ask is: “Does Putin have any embarrassing emails about me?” Just kidding. I’m such a madcap!

Seriously, ignore the blather about CNN and operatives, and focus on the business about “anyone affiliated with the Trump campaign.” Then ask yourself, what kind of senator and a senior member of the Armed Services Committee would NOT have met with someone from Russia? - March 5, 2017

DANCING CHIC TO CHIC
Recent events since the inauguration of Trump reminded me of a lengthy essay by Tom Wolfe – “Radical Chic.” Wolfe captures the essence of the ferment of the late 60s and the liberal guilt trying to atone for all the injustices committed since Cain bumped off his younger brother in a fit of pique that cattle breeders were more acceptable in God’s eyes than vegetable growers, putting an end to the rumor that vegetarians are non-violent.

As everyone knows, streets are filled with protesters because they’re angry that Nurse Ratched didn’t win as pundits had promised. The poised and polished pants suit pol got blindsided by an utter rube with a bank account to rival the foundation account founded by Hillary. They’re angry about a lot of other things, some legitimate, some frivolous.

Whatever the basis of their grievances, they have decided that the best way to get their point across is by dressing in costumes dreamed up by drunken gynecologists at a reunion in New Orleans. Many were also sporting pink knit beanies with two points that look like teats on an old sow.

At Berkeley in California, the home of the “free speech movement,” protesters chased off a Trump spokesman and smashed and vandalized property, set fires in the street and assaulted innocent individuals. Not even Starbucks was spared in the mayhem. They could write a 700-word essay on the concept of irony based on personal experience, assuming they are literate.


Tom Wolfe records the reaction of one wary gentleman at a trendy Manhattan party attended by Black Panthers. His words are worth pondering:
“He’s a magnificent man, but suppose some simple-minded schmucks take all that business about burning down buildings seriously?” - February 19, 2017

INAUGURING IN
Tom Wolfe, author of The Right Stuff, a paean to the Mercury astronauts and test pilots of Edwards Air Base, introduced the colorful phrase “augur in.” An augur is a tool used for boring. No, not reruns of Hee-Haw, but a device to punch holes in the ground. Thus, a flier who “augured in” with his aircraft and the defective engine with one wing on fire basically drilled a hole into the earth, more or less obviating the need to dig another one. Just stick in a cross and a marker and call it a day.

As the nation prepares to dig in for another four years, it’s hard to tell who’s going to dig a deeper hole. Trump detractors highlight the numerous gaffes and spurious claims ever since he first descended The Tower to announce his candidacy. And to be sure, there were plenty. And yet not only did he NOT dig a hole from which he could not emerge, he built an even higher mound on which to stand. And the more dirt his opponents threw at him, the higher he built that mound.

Ronald Reagan was called the Teflon President because nothing ever stuck on him. Trump, on the other hand, may be the Magnet President. He seems to relish in the opprobrium.

And why not? Consider who’s throwing the dirt. Lately, Meryl Streep denounced the president-elect at one of the dozens awards ceremonies celebrities indulge in because of their oppressed status. Streep also stood up for Roman Polanski, a convicted child rapist, who received – wait for it – an award! From the Hollywood elite! When celebrities recognize someone who could not be present to accept it because he would walked off the stage in handcuffs, you can be sure the bar for moral standards has been set rather low.

The harder they hit the nail, the deeper it goes. And like it or not, the nails have been fighting back against the hammers. If you want your opponent to maintain his popularity, here’s how to do it

1. Send out a Tweet like Charlie Sheen, begging God to take “Trump Next Please!” six times. I guess he wanted to meet the limit on characters. Charlie Sheen appeared in an interview after getting fired from a TV show because of drug and alcohol abuse. He survived because he has “tiger blood.” He was also accused of holding a knife to the neck of his estranged girlfriend. Who’s winning now, Chuck?

2. Attempt a boycott of LL Bean – not exactly a hotbed of conservative activism – because one out of more than 50 family members contributed to a Trump political action committee. A donation of $60K is not pocket change to the average American, but a film doyenne like Streep might find this under the sofa cushion.  

3. Promise you’re going to move to Canada if your opponent is elected, then stay put. If you’re Alec Baldwin, you can do this as often as necessary. Otherwise, someone should invoke a law to apply to celebrities concerning endorsements.

Years ago, football legend Joe Namath wore stockings to demonstrate to women how good they would look on their legs. The FCC ruled that celebrities must actually use the products they endorse. Is it too much to ask that celebrities stand by their public vows? - January 17, 2017

Trumping the Frump

It’s been a week since Hillary LOST her chance for coronation as Queen of the Contiguous States Plus the Two Outliers, Duchess of Global Conscience, and Reina del Siglo de Oro y Plata.

Friends and family mistook my jubilation of her loss for an endorsement of the Age of Trumpism. Please don’t mistake me. Yes, I am gloating that Hillary lost. I will never apologize for that. And I will rejoice in that for the next four years, and so should you, if you’re a Democrat. At long last you can emerge from the sordid Clinton heap of discarded banana peels and rank pork leavenings. Now you can reconstruct a party based on the noble calling of . . . well, maybe the not-so-racist ones. Hey, Carter was a decent fellow, if incompetent.

The last really decent candidate fielded by the Democrats, on paper, was James Buchanan. He had it all on his resume: Served in both houses of the U.S. Congress. Foreign diplomat and U.S. secretary of state. Oh, and he was morally opposed to slavery. Kind of like being personally opposed to abortion. And then that Civil War thing began.

Anyway, a lot of Watergate has passed under the Chappaquiddick Bridge.

I am ambivalent about the upcoming inauguration. Trump is, at best, a hopeful opportunity over a forlorn conclusion. We’ll all have a shot at fixing it in four years, right? - Nov. 20, 2016

CUPCAKES AND CRYBABIES
Well, how about THAT!

Nobody saw this coming. I was convinced that Nurse Ratched in a pantsuit was going to walk away with this, and both houses of Congress.

This year has not been an edifying lesson in Democracy. Trump didn’t deserve to win, but we didn’t deserve Hillary, either. But, as they say in poker, you gotta play with the hand you were dealt. Joker’s wild. We must simply hope that he turns out to be a better president than he was a candidate.

We’re already off to a good start. Trump kept Hillary out of the White House. She LOST. If she’s disappointed, imagine what Bill must be thinking. No living in the White House, stalking the corridors for interns; no overnight stays in hotels all around the world, stalking the halls for maids; no fundraisers, stalking the room for waitresses; no . . . well, you get the idea.

Another big plus is watching grown men crying on live TV. As the returns filtered in, with erstwhile blue states turning red – Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Ohio, etc. – Hillary supporters began looking subdued, then somber, then . . . are you crying? Really, a grown man, crying? Is that what too many Starbucks lattes do to you? Are you eating enough meat? You DON’T eat meat? Oh, well, have a granola bar. Crybaby.

The election brought out more crybabies than a maternity ward. Colleges across our fruity plain held “cry-ins” and allowed students to postpone exams because of emotional stress. The Washington Post reported that some colleges offered students Play-Do and therapy dogs. Seems to me therapy cats would fit in better. If you think losing an election is hard, wait’ll you graduate and have to show up for work. Every day. 

Suck it up, cupcakes. Everybody else feels the same way and their rainbow pony is stuck in traffic.

Many celebrities swore they’d move to another country if Trump won. It’s a lengthy list, but right at the top are Whoopi Goldberg, Amy Shumer, Lena Dunham, Miley Cyrus, and Jon Stewart. I’m retired, so I’d be happy to pitch in and help them pack. I’m not holding my breath, though. Alec Baldwin made the same promise if Bush were elected. He reneged twice.

If only a few of them follow through, we’ll be well on the way to making America great again. - November 11, 2016

DAYS OF WHINE AND ROSES

Every four years we get a reminder of how fragile psyches can be. Pundits refer to election year as the Silly Season. I prefer to think of it as the Days of Whine and Roses.

This is the time we hear from celebrities that if [fill in the blank] is elected he or she (or “ze” or “hir” or whatever pronoun is invented for terribly confused individuals) will move to Canada. Nobody ever wants to move to Pakistan or Iran where they throw people with made-up pronouns off the roof.

Things reached a fever pitch in 2000 when Bush the Younger ran for his first term as president. Alec Baldwin, with his customary cool and level-headed demeanor, announced that he would leave the country if Bush were elected. He reneged on his vow, however, and since then I have lost trust in all Hollywood guides of moral rectitude who made similar vows before Bush was re-elected.

I was reminded of this quadrennial threat to update passports and pack suitcases by an article in today’s Houston Chronicle about classic black-and-white films (“Today’s filmmakers drawn to TCM screen”). As a long-time aficionado of screen legends, I read it with avidity. I came to a paragraph about one Alexander Payne who said, “Turner Classic is the only thing that kept me a U.S. citizen during the Bush years.”

They just can’t help it. No matter how trivial or unimportant the topic, their one compass point leads north, to a land where Republicans aren’t allowed to hold office.

In anticipation of a possible Trump presidency, several celebrities have announced their plans to relocate, Miley Cyrus, Whoopi Goldberg, Symone Raven and Al Sharpton among them. Since when does a Man of the Cloth qualify as a celebrity? Cher plans to move to Jupiter, which is composed entirely of gaseous substances. She’ll fit right in. - June 22, 2016

The View of Medusa

It's worse than you thought. Everyone has heard about Joy Beerhall on the View who famously asked why the beauty contestant and nurse from Colorado was wearing a doctor's stethoscope. (Because, you know, a nurse's stethoscope comes in different colors.)

As the ads on Ginseng knives declaim, But wait! There's more! Co-hostess Michelle Collins, who calls herself a comedian, smirked, “She helps patients with Alzheimer’s, which I know is not funny, but I swear you had to see it. … I swear to God it was hilarious.” In another Tweet, she sneered that nurses should “prescribe yourselves a Valium and let’s just all relax."

Speaking of The View, it declined nearly 50 percent among women 25-54. In the ensuing uproar, she moaned, “I did not know she was a nurse. I just was not paying attention." No kidding.

If you're still wasting your life watching Whoopi and the rest of her coven natter mindlessly for an hour, I plead with you to unplug the tv before Medusa turns you into stone. - September 18, 2015

HARRY AND BARRY TAKE A PLUNGE 

Six years ago Obama took the White House with huge majorities in the House and Senate. This week, Republicans have taken control of the Senate by a comfortable margin. This, four years after taking control of the House. The chances of the Republicans taking the White House in two years are looking more favorable than ever.

As Darrel Royal would say, “It was like having a big ol' lollipop in your mouth and the first thing you know all you have is the stick.”

In the past, I always took a no-gloat rule before elections. Politics, like nature, goes in cycles, and it’s always a matter of time and terms when the pendulum swings the other way. When the Senate turned Republican for the first time in ages as Reagan took office, the Right crowed that times were a’ changin’. When the House turned Republican during Clinton’s term, the end times were here. Bush 43 defied history when Republicans picked up seats during his second term. Then the Deluge came. History was on the side of the Democrats, we were continually reminded. If Democrats were smarter in history, they would know that history is fickle.

Democrats scrambling to keep their seats were avoiding Obama like he had Ebola. It was downright amusing to hear one candidate avoid saying she voted for Obama in spite of the fact she was a delegate for him at their convention. Louisiana will make a final decision in December owing to their weird election rules (is ANYTHING normal in that state?) but Mary Landrieu may as well start packing her boxes before voters run her off in the run-off. I can garowntee you none of those votes that were split between the other Republicans will go to her.

Along the way, Harry Reid changed the rules of the Senate to grease the skids for judicial nominees. He was warned that this might turn around to bite him in the ass, but he was undeterred.

Watch for Harry standing like Henry IV in the snows of Canossa, begging the Senate to change the rules back after a change of heart. Watch for Harry and his cohorts in the House to warn their colleagues to read the bill before they vote on it.

Don’t count on any cooperation from Barry. Early indications are that he will double down on executive orders and keep making an end-run around Constitutional limits on power.

This year I did not take the no-gloat pledge. I want Barry and Harry to EAT it. Eat the whole crow, feathers, beak and all. Yes, things will probably change again in ten years if not sooner. There’s plenty of crow to go around. But in the meantime, we are rid of that pasty white Winnie-the-Pooh in Tigger clothing and that crazy-eyed woman in the House. You know, the one who had to pass a bill in order to find out what’s in it. - November 6, 2014

CARETAX

I’ve had a few days to simmer down in the wake of the narrow Supreme Court decision on Obamacare or, as I’m calling it, Caretax. Outrageous as it was, conservatives should be inured to this by now.

In 1973, another Republican appointee wrote the Roe v Wade decision which, interestingly, was severely castigated by a DEMOCRAT appointee. I daresay you’ll never see an assist from a Democrat appointee ever again on a conservative issue of such importance. Common sense has been strained out them early in their career.

True, Roe v Wade knocked down every single state protection of the unborn, but it didn’t require women to get abortions. But the damage was done, and it was irreparable. The road was paved for even more literary license to allow justices to rewrite the Constitution.

People all across this fruity plain pay taxes for things they’ll never need or use. Everybody pays taxes for schools even if some don’t have kids in school, or don’t have kids. Don’t drive a car? You still pay transportation taxes. And so forth. And don’t forget the subsidies for stuff you’ll never eat, drive, wear or live in.

It’s only natural the solons in that whitewashed tomb would connect those two dots. So now we all get to pay a tax – a tax vociferously denied by the very man who proposed the law – on something opposed by a huge majority of voters but midwifed by congressmen with promises of favoritism and waivers.

As long as we’re governed by men we should expect disappointment by our highest court. Dred Scott and Plessy v Ferguson are two examples embraced by liberals and conservatives alike. As Mark Twain famously observed, those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made. I can live on sausage. But I don’t expect other people to pay for it. - July 1, 2012

MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FOR DEMOCRACY ONE COCONUT AT A TIME

Obama went to India for a three-day trip hoping to improve relations and work on international peace and all those other things beauty pageant contestants want when it’s their turn to speak while they’re still dressed in statesmanlike swimsuits and high heels. Personally, I’d be happy if he pushed for more understanding when it comes to dealing with the telephone clerks when I try to clear up a credit card bill.

Naturally, the government of India wants to ensure the safety of our president. Public relations might sour considerably were Obama to be attacked by crazed mobs reeking of curry and shouting “Allah u Akkkkkhbarrrrr!” Every precaution must be taken, from the motor pool to the hotel pool.

Interest in the details of the trip gave rise to some exaggerations of the cost of security. Some bloggers claimed that 34 ships AND an aircraft carrier would be on hand, a claim debunked by a Pentagon spokesman. After all, if you can’t trust a Pentagon spokesman, whom can you trust? Estimates of the cost of the trip rose to $200 million a day. This claim was refuted by Tim Geithner, Obama’s Secretary of the Treasury, who is very careful when it comes to money, especially when it comes to paying his taxes.

Okay, I made that up. Except the part about Geithner being Secretary of the Treasury. And that should tell you everything you need to know about this administration.

A lot of planning goes into any presidential appearance: parade routes, hotel safety, overhead flights, crowd control, menu selection. Of COURSE the menu has to be approved. He was going to India. Spicy food is to be expected, but you sure don’t want one of those bhut jolokias slipping in on a tray of canapes. The bhut jolikia, or ghost pepper, is native to India and makes the habanera pepper seem like raisins in comparison. According to the Scoville Scale of Pepper Hotness they are 400 times hotter than Tabasco sauce. Some intrepid voyager into food hell who ate one said it was like eating glass.

Nothing was overlooked, including one detail most people would never have remotely considered – removing dangerous coconuts that might land on the noggin of someone with the power to launch nuclear missiles. Imagine having to explain this to others.

"You have to WHAT?! No, really. What do you have to do? You're kidding, right? You . . . have . . . to . . . remove . . . co-co-nuts. Coconuts. You have to remove coconuts. So they don't fall on his head, right? Coconuts?"

We all know those coconuts have a mind of their own when it comes to landing on the head of heads of state. Especially the president of the United States. Someone who's so important that even coconuts pose a danger to his safety.

Hmp. And I wasted my life going to college to get a degree. I guess this is one job nobody minds getting exported. - November 2010